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25.7.05 [ ] 3 comments
My conception is malformed and incomplete. My understanding of the methods and rules is a matter of conjecture. Further, my faith is a dim bulb shrouded by cynicism. Yet, I want to believe in magic. I need to know that there is something more powerful than myself; for, I am weak. My hands are the same as all others I have seen.
I ask for the will to pursue higher ambitions. I ask for the strength and courage to protect and procure the values of my ancestors. I ask for a wider lens, so that I may no longer pass judgment too quickly and no longer meet conflict with vanity.
I have much to learn. I ask for the strength to bear humility.
Conflict approaches. One must be willing to fight or to adapt.
I'm not even sure what I will be fighting for. I work in an environment of raw sexuality. Everyone's being seems devoted to the worship of pleasure. Is that enough? Would I be willing to fight for my lifestyle and the lifestyles of those in my immediate sphere?
I know, though, that there is more going on than the chasing of good times. Barely. There is some community, but no "good work" has been done. No outreach has been made save for providing rich people's children with a sense of belonging.
I have met good people here and I have established some relationships which may even last a lifetime. I have learned how to tell a story, how to dance, how to listen, how to talk about sports. However, I am unfulfilled. My influence is barely positive. My skills are unemployed. My effect on the world is grossly inefficient. My time here must soon come to an end or I shall die from the inside out.
So, I ask for the will to pursue higher ambitions and the humility to make it worthwhile. May my attachments not be so strong as to prevent movement, yet may they not be so weak as to forget the important trivialities--the road ahead is darker.
Or perhaps guilt is something that plagues only the fearful.
Apparently the rest march on, serene in the belief that they are right.
Conflicts (about myself and my future) always bring out the mumbler in me. I generally lose in shouting matches.
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