20.12.07 [ ] 0 comments 
Somtetime, I just feel like givint up. I havn't yet but I would really like to.
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18.12.05 [ "The Patient" ] 0 comments
A groan of tedium escapes me, startling the fearful.
Is this a test?
It has to be. otherwise I can't go on.
Draining patience. drain vitality.
This paranoid, paralyzed vampire act’s a little old.
But I'm still right here, giving blood and keeping faith. and I'm still right
Here.
But I'm still right here, giving blood and keeping faith. and I'm still right
Here.
I'm gonna wait it out
If there were no rewards to reap,
No loving embrace to see me through this tedious path I've chosen here,
I certainly would've walked away by now.
I'm gonna wait it out
If there were no desire to heal
The damaged and broken met along this tedious path I've chosen here,
I certainly would've walked away by now.
I still may. and I still may.
Be patient.
I must keep reminding myself of this...
If there were no rewards to reap,
No loving embrace to see me through this tedious path I've chosen here,
I certainly would've walked away by now.
And I still may. and I still may. and I still may.
I'm gonna wait it out.
I'm gonna wait it out.
Gonna wait it out.
Gonna wait it out.
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4.12.05 [ ] 0 comments
http://www.kansascity.com/mld/kansascity/13316677.htm
There is something very scary going on in the US right now. In addition, there is the intelligent design in the school system issue. For anyone who has studied history, the arguements are frighteningly ironic. The academic method is under serious attack from the political method. I fear that we may see the death of liberalism in our lifetimes.
How, I wonder, do pacificsts fight when their justifications are challenged? It is possible that they don't at all (undermines belief structure). Sadly, the result would be an extinction of that world view.
Persecution comes for those with an open mind. links to this post
There is something very scary going on in the US right now. In addition, there is the intelligent design in the school system issue. For anyone who has studied history, the arguements are frighteningly ironic. The academic method is under serious attack from the political method. I fear that we may see the death of liberalism in our lifetimes.
How, I wonder, do pacificsts fight when their justifications are challenged? It is possible that they don't at all (undermines belief structure). Sadly, the result would be an extinction of that world view.
Persecution comes for those with an open mind. links to this post
12.10.05 [ ] 0 comments
6.9.05 [ Fresh Start ] 1 comments
At the front of the 'City' section in today's Edmonton Journal is an article on the U of A's 'Fresh Start' program. The program is designed for students that "[...]suffer from deep depression that jeopardizes their academics[...]", "students [...] enrolled in programs their parents chose, but have no passion for the classes", and students "[...]who may have been cut off financially and emotionally from their parents and can't juggle full-time work with full-time studies."
I think of my experience entering University. My parents were undergoing a nasty divorce; still, today, though my dad has remarried and has had two children with his new wife, there is a daily struggle to deal with the consequences. Five years ago, it had left my father and I in financial ruin. My mother had decided, since I chose to live with my dad, that she would be divorcing me as well; she cashed my education fund before I turned 18 and left town. She didn't leave us with nothing, however. She filed some criminal charges against my father which, though ludicrous, cost us dearly. I would wait up all night in the lobby of the RCMP building while they had my dad in lockup; this was a weekly ritual. Months of court--and the entirety of my dad's disposable income and credit--later, found the charges dismissed by three independent judges. The scars are not erasable.
When you find your father, your symbol of strength and power, curled in the fetal position in your sister's old room every morning, sobbing uncontrollably, it is a poor moment to mention that you are unsatisfied with his recommended field of study. No, in times like that, you must face those swirling whims of adolescence tooth and nail: buckle down.
For many, working full-time and attending classes with the same vigor is overwhelming. This is not the case for those with a fractured family life, however. One might find that locking himself in a cubicle or spending his evenings crafting a greasy spoon are a fine way to spend his time if the alternative is moping around the house. One might, though, find himself a little distracted--this is not a problem so long as legal narcotics remain widely available on University campuses (as an aside, whatever mental state you study in, you must write your exams in that same state--the effects of context are marked).
The 'Fresh Start' program was indeed available while I was in University. However, a prerequisite for being selected to participate is that you must be failing your courses; only when one's academic performance is exceptionally poor is there any sign to administrators that things are not as they should be. For the rest of us, those who have seen adversity in our lives and have managed to remain honours students, the message we send to administrators is this: "we can deal with University, we can deal with Life". And, it's true.
I haven't done any drugs in almost two years; when I drink, it's usually just 'a drink' with an old friend. Though not at the top of my class, I am at par with the other students in honours economics. And, I now have my degree--a double-major in economics/psychology. The 'Fresh Start' program is a good thing. It should be there for those who need it--a social safety net. I am glad, though, to have managed without it. links to this post
I think of my experience entering University. My parents were undergoing a nasty divorce; still, today, though my dad has remarried and has had two children with his new wife, there is a daily struggle to deal with the consequences. Five years ago, it had left my father and I in financial ruin. My mother had decided, since I chose to live with my dad, that she would be divorcing me as well; she cashed my education fund before I turned 18 and left town. She didn't leave us with nothing, however. She filed some criminal charges against my father which, though ludicrous, cost us dearly. I would wait up all night in the lobby of the RCMP building while they had my dad in lockup; this was a weekly ritual. Months of court--and the entirety of my dad's disposable income and credit--later, found the charges dismissed by three independent judges. The scars are not erasable.
When you find your father, your symbol of strength and power, curled in the fetal position in your sister's old room every morning, sobbing uncontrollably, it is a poor moment to mention that you are unsatisfied with his recommended field of study. No, in times like that, you must face those swirling whims of adolescence tooth and nail: buckle down.
For many, working full-time and attending classes with the same vigor is overwhelming. This is not the case for those with a fractured family life, however. One might find that locking himself in a cubicle or spending his evenings crafting a greasy spoon are a fine way to spend his time if the alternative is moping around the house. One might, though, find himself a little distracted--this is not a problem so long as legal narcotics remain widely available on University campuses (as an aside, whatever mental state you study in, you must write your exams in that same state--the effects of context are marked).
The 'Fresh Start' program was indeed available while I was in University. However, a prerequisite for being selected to participate is that you must be failing your courses; only when one's academic performance is exceptionally poor is there any sign to administrators that things are not as they should be. For the rest of us, those who have seen adversity in our lives and have managed to remain honours students, the message we send to administrators is this: "we can deal with University, we can deal with Life". And, it's true.
I haven't done any drugs in almost two years; when I drink, it's usually just 'a drink' with an old friend. Though not at the top of my class, I am at par with the other students in honours economics. And, I now have my degree--a double-major in economics/psychology. The 'Fresh Start' program is a good thing. It should be there for those who need it--a social safety net. I am glad, though, to have managed without it. links to this post
27.8.05 [ Gyre ] 0 comments
This is why sometimes, I fear to write. Stories are never complete. Always, something is happening, something is changing. Things happen which change the whole dynamic; the scope is changed; the context is changed. And, there is that added complication.
People sometimes read this page. Yet, I am unable to provide a cohesive view. The entries are sporadic and inconsistent. Everything is always changing. I could tell you, maybe, a piece of a story today with plans to tell you the rest tomorrow. But, tomorrow things will be different, today's story would be obsolete.
Why not write it anyway? Why not write it here? For, everyone keeps a diary of some sort. And what is the point of writing in a diary if it is not to be read? So, my diary is left here for any who choose to find it.
Still, I wear nothing but apprehension when I sit before the keyboard. As my fingers move across the keyboard, things are changing. While I drift off to sleep and on to dream, others are dreaming, others are waking, the world churns onward with little thought for my stories.
What lies before you are mere snapshots, none pretending to be consistent or up-to-date. Except this one: something has changed; life shifts course, yet again. links to this post
People sometimes read this page. Yet, I am unable to provide a cohesive view. The entries are sporadic and inconsistent. Everything is always changing. I could tell you, maybe, a piece of a story today with plans to tell you the rest tomorrow. But, tomorrow things will be different, today's story would be obsolete.
Why not write it anyway? Why not write it here? For, everyone keeps a diary of some sort. And what is the point of writing in a diary if it is not to be read? So, my diary is left here for any who choose to find it.
Still, I wear nothing but apprehension when I sit before the keyboard. As my fingers move across the keyboard, things are changing. While I drift off to sleep and on to dream, others are dreaming, others are waking, the world churns onward with little thought for my stories.
What lies before you are mere snapshots, none pretending to be consistent or up-to-date. Except this one: something has changed; life shifts course, yet again. links to this post
25.8.05 [ And I thought I was prepared. ] 3 comments
3 Comments:
OK. I've figured it out. I forfiet my intentions, By doing so, I save the girl.
This situation does have some novel traits. Namely, the community. We will discuss and reherse an alternate, plausible chain of events. Reherse. With different words each time. Visualize the false events in place of the real ones. We will actively unmake our stories with such vigour that the truth a matter of speculation to ourselves.
The awkward moments, inevitable in a post-romantic relationship, will never happen because there will have never been a romantic relationship.
Those things that I said last night were selfish and foolhearty. If you have ever been in forbidden love, then you can appreciate the confusion, the desire, the apprehension. If not, there are not words enough for me to describe it to you.
No tears tonight. I know my duty.
This situation does have some novel traits. Namely, the community. We will discuss and reherse an alternate, plausible chain of events. Reherse. With different words each time. Visualize the false events in place of the real ones. We will actively unmake our stories with such vigour that the truth a matter of speculation to ourselves.
The awkward moments, inevitable in a post-romantic relationship, will never happen because there will have never been a romantic relationship.
Those things that I said last night were selfish and foolhearty. If you have ever been in forbidden love, then you can appreciate the confusion, the desire, the apprehension. If not, there are not words enough for me to describe it to you.
No tears tonight. I know my duty.
Oh Mike... I know exactly how you feel.
But, on the bright side, if you tell the "Story" enough times, eventually you will come to beleive it yourself. That's the best/worst thing about the human mind. We believe even our own lies.
But you will always miss them. In forbidden love, there's no proper outlet for those feelings, and so they linger. It's the hardest thing to do.
I'm so sorry.
But, on the bright side, if you tell the "Story" enough times, eventually you will come to beleive it yourself. That's the best/worst thing about the human mind. We believe even our own lies.
But you will always miss them. In forbidden love, there's no proper outlet for those feelings, and so they linger. It's the hardest thing to do.
I'm so sorry.
Today's tune:
Joseph Arthur- In the Sun
Joseph Arthur- In the Sun
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What am I going to do?
Seriously, if things continue like this, the only thing I will be able to write is harlequin romance. Maybe if that other dutch girl, the french one, could tell me what happened, then I would have learned something; then, I would forgoe making the same mistakes.
I feel a vague sense of history repeating itself. At least I've learned some self control; other things are very well--I'm not going to break down over the phone. links to this post
Seriously, if things continue like this, the only thing I will be able to write is harlequin romance. Maybe if that other dutch girl, the french one, could tell me what happened, then I would have learned something; then, I would forgoe making the same mistakes.
I feel a vague sense of history repeating itself. At least I've learned some self control; other things are very well--I'm not going to break down over the phone. links to this post
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